


to come home to you

by mzyz



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Established Relationship, Family Issues, Fluff and Angst, M/M, References to Canon, lelouch + his complex feelings about his family, suzalulu but they are very very in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:41:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27131282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mzyz/pseuds/mzyz
Summary: “you have five siblings?” he asked in a strangled half-hiss, half-shout. “you have five siblings and you never thought to bring it up?”suzaku thinks he knows what he’s getting into when his boyfriend asks him to come to his childhood home and meet his family for christmas(spoiler alert: he doesn’t)
Relationships: Kururugi Suzaku/Lelouch Lamperouge | Lelouch vi Britannia
Comments: 18
Kudos: 200





	to come home to you

**Author's Note:**

> i honestly don't even know what this is but i finished code geass last week and i haven't been able to think about anything since
> 
> i can't tell if this is good but i worked my ass off for 2 days straight on it and failed my math quiz so pls read it and pls enjoy!

Suzaku could count the things he knew about his boyfriend’s family on one hand.

After dating for over four years— almost five— he’d learned that Lelouch tended to keep quiet about those sorts of things.

He knew that Lelouch gave up his claim to his family’s fortune, choosing to move to Japan to study political journalism with only his own savings, refusing to use his family’s money, and his little sister.

He knew that Nunnally was in an accident when she was young, leaving her paralyzed and temporarily blind (he knew that Nunnally was the most important thing in Lelouch’s life, that Lelouch would do anything for her sake).

And, finally, he knew of Euphie, Lelouch’s other sister, who had long, flowing pink hair and the sweetest smile in the world. She’d come, unexpectedly, one day. Suzaku had been the one to open the door, tired and achy from unspeakable acts the night before.

“ _Uh_ ,” he had said, blinking at the girl wearing a yellow sundress and a suitcase. “ _Who are you?”_

She had blinked her big, purple eyes at him, just as confused. “ _Who are_ ** _you_** _?”_ Then, after a pause, “ _I’m so sorry, I must be in the wrong place. I’m looking for my brother.”_

_“What’s his name? I know our neighbors pretty well so I might be able to help.”_

_“How nice of you! His name is Lelouch.”_

_“Le…Lelouch?”_

It was then that Lelouch had walked into the hallway, shirtless and covered in lovebites, startled at the sight of his cheery younger sister.

“ _Euphie?!”_ he had all-but-shouted.

“ _Lelouch!_ ” she jumped forward, catching Lelouch in a hug, pink tendrils of hair flouncing all over the place.

“ _It’s been too long! Wait…_ ” She looked back over at Suzaku, still stunned and standing by the door, “ _who is this?_ ”

And that was how Suzaku learned that last and final thing he knew about Lelouch and Nunnally’s family— Euphemia.

So when Lelouch had been on the phone, one cold winter night, talking in English instead of Japanese, Suzaku was understandably curious.

“Who was that?” Suzaku asked when Lelouch had finally hung up, sliding into their bed, next to him. His face was screwed up, eyebrows furrowed in that way they did when he was thinking hard. Suzaku reached up a hand, smoothing out the skin on his forehead, wrinkled up as he thought.

“It was my mother,” Lelouch said, after a couple beats of silence. “She wants me to come home for Christmas.”

“Oh,” Suzaku said, softly.

It wasn’t that he was _disappointed_ , it was just… well, he and Lelouch had never really celebrated Christmas together. Almost every year, without fail, Lelouch had his end-of-the-year deadline coming up, working unceasingly to write and revise his pieces (and _re-revise_ then _re-re-revise_ , pacing their bedroom at ungodly hours of the night, making Suzaku proof-read paragraphs, filled with information Suzaku could never hope to comprehend). Christmas would be over by the time he crawled out of his office, dead-tired and shivering.

And Suzaku was supportive and understanding but, still, he wished they could’ve done something special.

This year, though, he’d finally managed to get off and Suzaku had been looking forward to spending the holiday with his boyfriend. Excited to pick out a tree and buy gifts.

If Lelouch was in Europe, none of that could happen.

“Do you want to come with me?” Lelouch asked, breaking Suzaku out of his thoughts.

“Wait, really?” Suzaku replied, eyes widening.

Lelouch shrugged his skinny shoulders. “Nunnally’s coming too… what’s one more person? My family will just have to deal with it.”

So that’s how Suzaku found himself, squished in between the window and Lelouch on a nearly 10 hour flight, two days before Christmas.

“Are you excited?” he whispered, careful not to wake a sleeping Nunnally, her head resting on Lelouch’s shoulder.

Lelouch sighed, putting down the book he had been reading. “I’m not sure.”

 _That’s new_ , Suzaku thought, studying his boyfriend’s handsome side profile. Lelouch was _always_ sure.

“You’ve never told me much about your family,” Suzaku commented, a small smile painting his lips. “So I’m excited.”

Lelouch chuckled a little. “You’re not nervous?”

“Why would I be?” Suzaku asked. “I already know Euphie and she’s so sweet. It’ll be fine.”

A weird, unreadable expression crossed Lelouch’s lips, his nose wrinkling, just a little, at the bridge.

“Yes, it will be fine,” he finally said, picking up his book again. “Go to sleep, Suzaku.”

“Okay,” Suzaku hummed, eyelids growing heavy as the low whirl of the plane’s engine lulled him to sleep.

After they landed, it was a stressful flurry of sifting through the baggage claim, going through border patrol and hailing a cab amidst about a million other people, all antsy to get home for the holidays, willing to do anything to get there as soon as possible.

“Don’t be so angry,” reprimanded Suzaku, lightly, elbowing Lelouch’s side.

“ _Tch_ ,” Lelouch clicked his tongue, eyes narrowed in annoyance. “It was _clearly_ our cab, who the hell does that man think he is?”

Suzaku rolled his eyes. “We’re in a cab now, it’s _fine_. Don’t keep dwelling on it.”

Huffing a frustrated sigh, Lelouch turned his head to look out the window, the sunset-riddled sky passing by in a hazy blur.

Wordlessly, Suzaku reached down, lacing their fingers together.

Lelouch had been tense ever since they landed and not just because that man stole their cab. He wore the same expression he used when he was interviewing people over the whole and they weren’t giving him the information that he wanted, like he was on edge.

It occurred to Suzaku, then, that he wasn’t quite sure why Lelouch never came home in the seven years he lived in Japan. Why the only family who ever bothered to reach out was Euphie.

“Love you,” he whispered, giving Lelouch’s hand a reassuring squeeze.

He didn’t have to hear it back to know Lelouch loved him too. After all, he wouldn’t be here in Europe if that wasn’t the case.

The cab ride was surprisingly long, rolling down the highway for nearly half an hour, where the tall buildings turned smaller and smaller, the houses becoming more spread out, until they finally came to a stop.

Lelouch curtly thanked the driver, paying him, while Suzaku got Nunnally’s wheelchair out of the trunk, helping her into it.

Once the cab drove away, puttering down the nearly abandoned dirt road, Suzaku allowed himself to take in his surroundings.

Except… there wasn’t much. No other houses were around them, just vast land and one mansion behind them— the biggest, prettiest house Suzaku had ever seen. It towered above him, backlit by the dark night sky. Ivy and ferns grew through the crevices of the winding stone path, leading to the front door. The creamy paint of the house was shiny and sleek, the structure flanked by rows of large trees, dancing in the wind.

“Lelouch, they dropped us off at the wrong place.”

Lelouch’s face screwed up in confusion. “What are you talking about? This is my family’s house.”

“ _This is your family’s ho—“_ Suzaku sputtered in disbelief. “What? _This_ is your childhood home?”

“Ah,” Nunnally said, clasping her hands together. “This feels so nostalgic. When was the last time we’ve been here, nii-sama?”

“Almost 7 years ago,” Lelouch answered.

“I miss everyone,” Nunnally glanced up at Suzaku. “I can’t wait for your to meet them all, Suzaku-san. I just _know_ they’ll take to you, right away.”

“I hope so,” Suzaku grinned, reaching down to squeeze Nunnally’s hand.

When they stepped through the front doors, Suzaku wasn’t shocked to see that the inside was even more impressive than the outside (he’d known Lelouch came from wealth but, _god_ , Suzaku was not expecting _this_ ).

Euphemia was waiting for them.

“Nunnally!”

“Euphie-neesama!”

A woman dressed in a maid’s outfit came to their side, taking the luggage handle out of Suzaku’s hand.

“I’ll bring this to your room, Lelouch-sama,” she said, bowing her head diligently, before disappearing down the hall.

What was the most shocking of all, though, was the other girl standing at the top of the sprawling, spiraled staircase that faced the doorway.

She had purple hair, like Euphie’s but darker, more vivid, and a prominent frown (strikingly similar to Lelouch’s) painted on her full, rosy lips. She looked down at them, disapprovingly, arms crossed tightly to her chest, before descending the stairs to greet them.

First, the strange woman knelt down beside Nunnally, exchanging her frown for a soft smile that took Suzaku off guard.

“How have you been, Nunnally? Is Lelouch treating you okay in Japan?”

“Of course, nee-sama.”

 _Nee-sama?!_ Suzaku recoiled at the offhand-reveal from Nunnally. He looked up at Lelouch with searching eyes, confused, but his boyfriend refused to meet his gaze.

Rising up back to eye-level, the purpled haired woman looked Suzaku straight in the eye, glowering.

“And who is this, Lelouch?” her voice was icy and hard.

“This is my boyfriend, Cornelia.”

“Uh,” Suzaku wasn’t quite sure what to say. “Nice to meet you,” he extended a shaky hand towards ‘ _Cornelia,’ “_ I’m Kururugi Suzaku.”

Turning up her nose at Suzaku’s hand, she said, simply, “Father won’t approve of this.”

Snarling, Lelouch stepped in front of Suzaku, grabbing his wrist almost protectively. “You and mother asked us to come so here we are. He stays or we go.”

“You cannot command me like that,” Cornelia replied. They stared at each other, eyes locked for what seemed like three years, before she sighed, resigned, running a hand through her vibrant locks. “It’s good to see you, Lelouch.”

Suzaku watched, intently, as Lelouch’s angry face softened, just slightly.

“It’s good to see you too.”

“Don’t worry,” Euphemia whispered, coming to stand by Suzaku’s side. It was comforting to have a familiar face nearby. “Nee-sama is really, very nice once she warms up to you.”

Nervously, Suzaku chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck, sheepishly. “It’s okay. I didn’t know Lelouch didn’t tell them I was coming. I’m sure it would be a surprise to anyone.”

“Go wash up and put your things away. Schneizel and Clovis should be arriving in a couple hours.”

Turning to Suzaku, Lelouch offered a small, half-hearted smile. “We’ll be staying in my old bedroom if that’s okay with you.”

Not sure whether to be angry at his boyfriend or not, too caught up in whatever the hell just happened, Suzaku could only reply, “Sure, that’s fine.”

The hallways in Lelouch’s family home were big, lined with lush, intricately patterned designs that tickled the pads of Suzaku’s feet. He lost count of how many rooms they’d passed, on their way to Lelouch’s.

“You didn’t tell me you had another sister,” Suzaku said, finally, breaking the silence that had settled between them.

Lelouch stopped walking and Suzaku almost bumped right into him.

“Cornelia and I aren’t close,” Lelouch answered, his voice low with a hint of something Suzaku couldn’t quite name.

“Yeah,” Suzaku felt anger rising in him, hot and sticky within his gut, “but, still, you could’ve told me. We’ve been together for five years, Lelouch, and I didn’t even know about Euphie until she showed up, unannounced.”

“There’s six of us,” Lelouch said, finally.

“Wha—?”

“I have five other siblings. Nunnally, Euphemia, Cornelia, Schneizel, Clovis and Odysseus, though he’s estranged and I doubt he’ll show up this week.”

Suzaku felt like he was drowning. Like, suddenly, it all made sense _why_ he could count the things he knew about Lelouch’s family on one hand and the reason why left a sick feeling in his gut.

“You have _five_ siblings?” he asked in a strangled half-hiss, half-shout. “You have five siblings and you never thought to bring it up? Never thought to tell me?”  
Spinning around, Lelouch turned to look at Suzaku. He looked upset— _angry_.

“What does it matter?” he retaliated, voice cracking slightly. “Who cares if I have five siblings, Suzaku? Does that change anything about who I am?”

Suzaku faltered for a second.

“Of course it doesn’t, Lulu, I’ll love you no matter what but… but… you can’t just _keep_ things like this from me! You know so much about me and… and I know nothing about you, clearly.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Lelouch scoffed. “You know more about me than anyone, Suzaku.”

Suzaku didn’t say anything, let Lelouch continue.

“Who else has seen me naked and watched me stress about deadlines? Who’s watched you burn toast a thousand times? No one else. We _live_ together, Suzaku, so I never want to hear that foolish notion that you know nothing about me again. I am not defined by my family, Suzaku, I refuse to be.”

Reaching out a hand, Suzaku took Lelouch’s palm in his own.

“I love you, Lelouch. So why don’t we go to your childhood bedroom, take a nap then meet the rest of your family. Okay?”

A soft _harrumph_ of laugher tickled Lelouch’s throat.

“I love you too.”

Lelouch’s room was nothing like the rest of the house. It wasn’t _bland_ , per say, but there were no sprawling decorations. No large paintings, encased by swirling golden frames. It was, by no means, small. A large bed adorned the middle, a white sheet draping over the frame above it and a mirror hung over the top of the headboard. There was a small balcony to the side but no furniture on it. A bathroom was hidden in the corner and a desk tucked next to it, dusty books and forgotten paper still sitting on it.

Their luggage was already waiting for them by the door.

With a sigh, Suzaku flopped down onto the luxurious mattress. It was nothing like their mattress at home, lumpy but they’d never replace it.

A snort permeated the air and Suzaku felt the bed shift with added weight as Lelouch laid beside him. His straight black hair tickled Suzaku’s collarbone when it brushed against the boy’s bare skin.

“I could sleep for 12 hours,” yawned Suzaku, gathering Lelouch into his arms.

“Why don’t we just stay here until its time to leave.”

“As tempting as that sounds,” Suzaku murmured, fondness dripping through his tone, “you know we can’t do that.”

“What a pain,” drawled out Lelouch.

Suzaku woke up first, rubbing a fist over his sleep-crusted eyes before searching for the alarm clock that sat on the nightstand beside their bed. When he couldn’t find it, the realization that they were not, in fact, at home but, rather, thousands of miles away in Lelouch’s childhood bedroom hit him like a ton of bricks.

“Lelouch,” he mumbled, voice still heavy with fatigue. He reached over to shake his boyfriend’s shoulder, who was still fast asleep. “ _Lelouch._ ”

“Be quiet,” mumbled Lelouch, rolling over to wrap his arms around Suzaku’s waist, burying his head in the crook of Suzaku’s stomach. Suzaku felt the corners of his lips turn up into a hint of a smile.

“You need to wake up,” Suzaku insisted, shaking Lelouch again.

Slowly, Lelouch’s purple eyes begin to flutter open, his strikingly vibrant irises peaking out beneath the hood of his eyelid, veiled by lashes that were too long for his own good.

“We should have stayed home for Christmas,” Lelouch muttered, after taking in his surroundings, the same realization that Suzaku had, flooding into him.

“You say that but we both know you’d never let Nunnally come here on her own.”

Lelouch didn’t reply to that, rolling his eyes because Suzaku was _right_ and he didn’t like it when someone read him so easily.

“Hey,” Suzaku nudged Lelouch gently after a minute of silence passed between them. “It’ll be okay.”

“How can you say that so easily?” Lelouch asked but there was no malice or irritation in his voice.

“Because you’re here with me,” Suzaku replied, like it was the most obvious answer in the world. He enjoyed the way Lelouch’s eyes widened, just the smallest bit, and the tiniest flush that travelled down the nape of the European boy’s neck.

“Must you say such embarrassing things all the time?” Lelouch grumbled but Suzaku didn’t response, just pressed a tender kiss to Lelouch’s parted lips. They kissed for a bit, soft-lipped and open-mouthed, Suzaku’s hand cupping the base of Lelouch’s jaw, gently stroking his milky skin with the edge of his thumb.

They only broke apart when the door opened, suddenly, harsh light from the hallway pouring into the darkened room. Lelouch hissed, recoiling sharply to glare at whoever just intruded.

Euphemia stood in the doorway, a delicate grin on her lips.

“I came to get you two lovebirds,” she sang out.

“Why didn’t you knock?” Lelouch asked, indignantly.

“Schneizel and Clovis are here. Mother says you need to greet them.”

Suzaku, hand still slotted on Lelouch’s hip, felt the boy stiffen at the sound of his brother’s names but he didn’t dare ask why. Didn’t dare wonder.

“What a pain,” Lelouch muttered, seemingly his catchphrase during the short duration of their trip so far. “Give us five minutes.”

“Sure thing,” and with that, Euphemia was gone.

Huffing with displeasure, Lelouch sat up, smoothing out the wrinkles in his clothing that had appeared while they were napping. Suzaku watched from the bed as Lelouch walked to the desk, shuffling through various papers that clearly hadn’t been touched in 7 years.

He looked so in place, Suzaku couldn’t help but notice. Like the 7 years he spent, living in Japan, were null and void. There had always been an elegant, sort of affluent air that surrounded Lelouch but Suzaku couldn’t quite place it until today.

Now, as he watched the boy he’d known and loved for 5 years, he’d never seen him look like he belonged so much. Like, maybe, he didn’t really need Japan (he didn’t need _Suzaku_ ) after all.

He wondered why Lelouch ever bothered to leave in the first place.

 _No_ , Suzaku reprimanded himself. _Don’t think like that_.

“Anything I should know about your brothers before I meet them?” Suzaku inquired.

“Clovis is a dramatic artist, he lives life on his own whims, and Schneizel is… well. Schneizel and I are very similar.”

“How cryptic of an answer,” Suzaku teased.

When they made their way to the main corridor, the house seemed louder than before, more lively, and suddenly Suzaku felt a growing excitement in his chest. His anger from before was long forgotten, replaced by an eagerness to know _more_ about this odd situation he’d found himself in.

Lelouch led him to a room he hadn’t been in yet, a library of some sorts. The walls were lined, floor to ceiling, with bookcases filled with books of varying sizes. In one of the large leather chairs sat a man with silky blonde hair, so light that it was almost white, falling in tufts just above his shoulders.

“Schneizel,” Lelouch greeted ( _no honorifics_ , Suzaku noted).

“Ah, Lelouch,” Schneizel replied, not even looking up from the book you were reading. “So I see what Cornelia said it true. You’ve brought a boy.”

“Not ‘ _a boy_ ,’” Lelouch shot back, voice terse. “My boyfriend. Suzaku.”

Setting his book down on his thigh, Suzaku felt sharp violet eyes scanning him, looking him up and down.

The silence was uncomfortably long and Suzaku was suddenly incredibly aware of everything. The way his skin prickled with goosebumps, that crackling of the fireplace behind Schneizel. He felt exposed, like Schenizel was studying him and, somehow, knew every single fear and regret Suzaku had. 

“Pleasure to make your acquaintance,” he said, finally, but it didn’t seem like much of a pleasure. Then, turning back to Lelouch, “I hope you’ll grace me with a chess match sometime this week.”

“I’ve gotten better,” was Lelouch’s simple answer.

Schneizel chuckled, low and dangerous. “We’ll see.”

“C’mon,” Lelouch said, tugging the hem of Suzaku’s sleeve. “Clovis should be in the garden.”

“He seems…interesting.” Suzaku winced at his own words, insincere.

“He’s the only person who can beat me at chess,” Lelouch replied. “The _prodigal_ second son.”

“Well,” Suzaku chimed, plucking Lelouch’s hand from his sleeve in favor of weaving his slender fingers with his own. “I guess that makes you the challenger.”

Lelouch paused then grinned in that way that only Suzaku could make him grin, a mix of disbelief and endearment (if Lelouch had the ability to admire anyone— which he didn’t— one might say that a hint of admiration was snuck into that smile, in awe of Suzaku’s ability to see right through him despite the endless walls of facade).

“I suppose it does.”

Clovis wasn’t so much handsome as he was _pretty_. That was the first thing Suzaku noticed (and, though it was a stupid and ridiculous notion, he wondered if beauty just _ran_ through the genes of this family). His blonde hair managed to look windswept yet strategically placed all at once, falling over his shoulders and forehead in wisps.

“So the rumors are true,” he sung, upon Lelouch and Suzaku’s entrance into the garden. The winter wind was cold and Suzaku shivered, curling in on himself. “Lulu has found himself a boyfriend.”

“Nice to meet you,” Suzaku stepped forward with a hand extended, the other still wrapped around his middle. “I’m Kururugi—“

“Suzaku-kun, _I know_ ,” Clovis interrupted (Suzaku pretended he didn’t notice the way Lelouch’s eyes narrowed at that). “You’re so _handsome_ , how did our Lelouch manage to convince you to date him?”

Suzaku blushed while Lelouch blanched.

“Uh, I—“

“Isn’t the garden lovely?” Clovis seemed to never stop talking, a whirlwind of prose that didn’t quite care about the opinions of others. “It was nicer before, though. Father _has_ to start hiring better gardeners. There’s just not the same _care_ put into the tending as there was before. You should’ve seen it a couple years ago, Suzaku-kun, the flowers were practically singing.”

“Oh, that’s—“

“I offered to hire my own staff but Mother said it was unnecessary,” a scoff, “of _course_ it’s necessary! How can my paintings pop if my models aren’t taken the utmost care of?”

“I don’t—“

“And for god’s sake—“

“We’re going now,” Lelouch cut him off, pushing Suzaku back towards the door.

“Oh! Of course! I’ll see you too at dinner,” then, after a pause. “Good luck with Father.”

Suzaku could’ve sworn Lelouch gritted his teeth.

“Let’s see mother,” is all he said, a low whisper that only Suzaku could hear.

The living room and dining room were connected, both absurdly large and luxurious. A large Christmas tree stood tall in the corner of the living room, decorated to the nines with tinsel that glittered when the light caught it and shiny bulbs of gold and red. The fireplace at the wall, opposite to the couch, was about 5 times larger than the one in the library, the flames dancing hues of red and yellow.

On the couch sat Cornelia, Euphie, Nunnally and a woman that Suzaku could only assume was Lelouch’s mother (she looked so similar to his boyfriend that Suzaku almost had a heart attack), who sat perched on the edge. Age seemed to have no effect on her, she had the same dark hair as Lelouch, long and wavy as it draped down her back.

“Mother,” Lelouch greeted.

When she looked up, her face softened into something gentle and kind at the sight of her son.

“Lelouch,” she breathed out, extending her arms to him. Slowly, as if he didn’t quite _want_ to, Lelouch leaned towards her, allowing her hands to explore his face and study him. “You’ve grown so much… you hardly look like my son anymore. Where did my little Lelouch go?”

It was then that she spotted Suzaku.

“This must be the boy that I hear so much about!”

She let go of Lelouch, swinging her legs off the side of the couch and making her way towards Suzaku.

“My, what a handsome young man you are,” she cooed. Suzaku smiled, bashfully.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you, ma’am.”

“Don’t call me ma’am,” Marianne said with a laugh, throwing her head back. “You’re Lelouch’s boyfriend, no need to be so formal. Just Marianne is fine. Or,” a mischievously glint sparkled in her eyes, “ _Mom_ , if you’d like.”

“Mother!” Lelouch hissed.

Suzaku just laughed, good-naturedly, even though the prospect of _marrying_ Lelouch was enough to set all of his insides on fire (it wasn’t like Suzaku hadn’t thought about it, grappled with the intense anxiety of never being good enough— not having the _right_ — to be with Lelouch because, _god_ , he did).

“N-not yet, I’m afraid.”

“Yes,” Marianne _tsked_ her tongue, tossing a disapproving look behind her shoulder to her son, who Suzaku was afraid may have an aneurism at any second, “my son has never been good with stuff like that. Let me tell you, the first girl he ever said he loved was _Euphie_ and—“

“ _Mother_!” Lelouch lunged forward to shove Suzaku away from Marianne’s tight grasp.

Marianne opened her mouth to say something but a maid came into the living room, bowing, before announcing that dinner was ready.

“We’ll continue this conversation later, Suzaku,” Marianne promised before walking towards the conjoined dining room, her skirt swaying behind her.

Euphie caught Suzaku’s wrist, pulling him aside.

“Are you liking everyone alright?” she asked and, for the first time since he’d arrived at the house, Suzaku felt at ease with on of Lelouch’s family members. _Thank god for Euphie_.

“They’re all very… nice, I think,” Suzaku answered as honestly as he could.

“Schneizel-niisama didn’t say anything weird to you, did he?” Euphie pouted.

“No, no,” Suzaku rushed to amend his words, waving his hands in dismissal. “He was fine!”

Euphemia grinned at that before a more somber expression passed through her face, nose and eyebrows scrunching up. “He and Lelouch are… they’re competitive. I think Lelouch feels inferior to him and it kills him inside. I’ve always tried to say that they can’t be compared because they’re each good in their own ways but, well,” she laughed softly, “he never really listened to me about stuff like that. _Well_ , that was _years_ ago. I’m sure things are different now. Come on, let’s have dinner. You’ll get to meet Father.”

As Euphie walked away, Suzaku couldn’t help feel odd at her words. _Lelouch_ , he though, incredulously, _feeling_ ** _inferior_** _to someone?_

It unsettled him beyond belief, so much so that he forgot the looming terror of meeting Lelouch’s father in just a few minutes, because it was so uncharacteristic of Lelouch.

He wanted to know _why_ Lelouch chose to give up the family fortune, _why_ he was so suspiciously tight-lipped about his family and the little scraps of information he was finding did nothing but make the picture muddier.

 _Lelouch,_ he though, eyes wandering to where his boyfriend talked in fond, hushed whispers to Nunnally _, why must you make things to difficult_?

Though, Suzaku supposed, it was just in his nature.

He couldn’t dwell on the matter too much because the most prevalent, imminent challenge was creeping forward and it took the form of Charles.

The dining table was, unsurprisingly, big (Suzaku doubted anything _could_ surprise him after the day he’d had— was _still_ having). It was long and round at the edges, a dark mahogany wood with a glossy finish over the top. A chandelier hung above them.

Schneizel and Clovis emerged from the library and garden, wordlessly taking their places at the table.

Suzaku watched as the butlers poured water and wine into the glasses at every place setting. When Suzaku lifted the glass to his nose, the smell was pungent and expensive. The only wine he’d ever had was at his college lacrosse team’s celebratory dinner and it had been watered down and cheap— _overrated_ , he’d thought at the time but not this.

He didn’t have much time to think about the wine, though, because heavy footsteps signaled the arrival of Lelouch’s father.

Charles had long white hair, tied back with a blue ribbon, and bushy white eyebrows that seemed to take the permanent shape of a frown. His forehead was marred with wrinkles and his presence, alone, was enough to silence the entire room.

As he walked to his seat at the head of the table, he surveyed the scene waiting for him, eyes lingering on each of his children like he was searching for some sort of mistake. Something out of place so he could correct it. When his gaze finally landed on Suzaku and Lelouch, something changed immediately and everyone knew it.

When Charles finally sat down, the air in the dining room was suffocating, the tension so thick it could be cut with a knife.

No one dared speak a word as the patriarch of the Britannia family laid his napkin on his lap. No one dared speak a word as the butlers put large plates of food in front of each person (it smelled wonderful and Suzaku was suddenly, acutely aware that the only thing he’d eaten all day was toast in the morning and smelly airplane food).

The clinking of cutlery against the eerie quietness was grating in Suzaku’s ears, almost enough to throw him over the edge but he _couldn’t_. He had to be strong for Lelouch, to give his best impression to Lelouch’s family. 

Finally, after Charles took an egregiously long bite of steak, he set down his fork and knife and spoke.

“Who is this that you brought home, Lelouch?” Charles’s voice was bone-chilling, loud and commanding by nature and Suzaku was sure he’d hear it in his nightmares.

Lelouch, undeterred, stared his behemoth of a father right back in the eye.

“This is Suzaku. My partner.”

“Your partner in business?”

“My partner romantically,” Lelouch countered. Then, leaning forward menacingly. “ _Sexually_.”

In a sudden motion, as if that single word set him off, Charles slammed the handle of his knife into the hardwood table with a _thud_ so loud that Euphemia, who sat beside Suzaku, jumped in her chair. Nunnally, watching the scene with an agape mouth, seemed to shrink in her wheelchair.

“You insolent boy!” Charles roared and, just for the slightest second, Lelouch faltered. It was a jarring sight, seeing his fearless, steady boyfriend who never made a missed a beat in a conversation of wits, falter.

“You deny our family name, make a mockery of us by running off to a foreign country to write foolish articles, insinuating our family is crooked, then you dare show your face so many years later, claiming to be in some ridiculous notion of a relationship? With this _Japanese_ boy? You are a disgrace to our name! You are a shame!”

“A _shame_?” Lelouch stood up, throwing his napkin to the floor. He spat out his words like they tasted bitter in his mouth ( _they probably do_ , Suzaku thought, vaguely).

“You’re the shame, Father. You lie and you steal, your whole fortune is built on nothing but sham and fool’s gold, yet you call me the shame. You don’t care about your children yet they follow you blindly,” Euphemia winced, visibly, at that, “so when one speaks out against you, you can’t handle it! It’s _killing_ you isn’t it?”

“ _Enough!_ ”

“I can deal with that but I will not let you insult my boyfriend. I’m done.” With that, Lelouch stormed out of the dining room, leaving the rest of his family baffled and his father steaming.

Awkwardly, still shaken up, Suzaku rose to his feet and ran after his boyfriend, trying to ignore the stares that bore holes into his skin from the eyes of Lelouch’s kin.

“Lelouch!” he called, chasing after Lelouch’s quickly fleeting footsteps. But Lelouch was slow and Suzaku was fast, his athletic abilities wouldn’t fail him now, and Suzaku caught up to him quickly, grabbing Lelouch’s wrist and yanking him back.

“Hey,” he said, voice dropping to a soothing murmur. “ _Hey.”_

“Let go of me, Suzaku,” Lelouch demanded but it lacked any real bite. He was shaking, frail bones trembling with what Suzaku could only assume was anger. Frustration ( _saddness,_ Suzaku’s mind supplied for him, _rejection_ ).

“I said let go of me,” Lelouch repeated, trying to wiggle out of Suzaku’s hold but it was a fruitless attempt. Suzaku was a lacrosse player while the extent of Lelouch’s exercise was typing on his laptop and walking up the stairs to their apartment. “ _Let go!”_

“No.”

“Let go of me, Suzaku!”

“I won’t let go of you,” Suzaku countered, voice steady where Lelouch’s shook, wild and erratic.

“You don’t deserve this,” Lelouch lamented. “You should’ve never come. They’re all… they’re all _awful_.”

“They’re your family, Lelouch.”

“So?” The way Lelouch’s face twisted almost made Suzaku drop his wrist. Almost made him back off. The pure, unadulterated anguish that distorted his handsomely drawn features was painful, stung Suzaku’s chest.

“So? They’re my family but so what? Nunnally is my family. Nunnally is my family and _that’s it_. They’re all mindless— Schneizel, Clovis, Cornelia, even _Euphie—_ they’re all horrible slaves to… to… _him.”_

“Do you…” Suzaku paused for a second, unsure of how to wade in this unfamiliar territory. Lelouch was never one to break down, never one to show weakness yet here he was, defeated and angry. It was off-putting but Suzaku couldn’t back down on him. “Do you want to tell me about it?”

It was like those were the magical words, unlocking all the secrets within Lelouch.

“I suppose,” his voice dropped low, “I have no choice, huh?”

“Not really,” Suzaku grinned, in spite of everything. _Lelouch will always be Lelouch._

Sliding down, back pressed against the wall and knees tucked to his chest, Lelouch began to speak. First, it was tentative but Suzaku linked their pinkies, reassuringly.

“Nunnally and my mother were in a car accident. She was paralyzed and temporarily blind for almost a year, it was… horrific. And my parents didn’t care. In fact, my mother never visited her in the hospital once. Not once,” Lelouch’s eyes were hardened in anger, stewing in a time before Suzaku had known him, a painful time. “How can she say that she loves us if she couldn’t be bothered to visit her paralyzed daughter? It’s absurd. And my father? He knew the car was in need of servicing but did nothing because _he_ ’s _selfish_ , Suzaku. He’s a selfish bastard who cares about none but himself

“And when I confronted him about it, he simply said ‘all men are not created equal.’ So I took what he said and I looked into his past and I found that his company, his _fortune_ that means the world to him, more than his children, was built on lies. Years and years ago, he stepped on a Japanese conglomerate, tricked them into a backhand deal and screwed them over, taking their resources and concepts for himself.”

Suzaku was breathless, unable to fully comprehend all the information coming at him at once.

“I told Schneizel, hoping that we could combine our wits and take him down— I wanted _revenge_ for Nunnally, I wanted those who forsaken her to crumble— but he’d already known. He’d known and he didn’t care. So did Cornelia and Clovis. So I decided to condemn his black money, his lies, his precious company, and look for solid evidence to expose him. I could’ve taken his files but that would be playing by his rules, how would I be any better than him if I did that? So I left for Japan with Nunnally, swore that I’d find enough legitimate dirt on him to topple his empire, then I met you… and…”

“And we fell in love,” Suzaku finished for him. He hadn’t realized he was crying until tears dripped, hot and wet, down his cheeks.

“Yes,” Lelouch replied, reaching over to thumb the tears off, “even against all my principles, we fell in love.”

“But…?” Suzaku urged on, knowing that couldn’t be all that was plaguing his boyfriend.

“But I’m just a foolish boy who loves his family. It kills me inside sometimes, Suzaku, it’s stupid. I should hate them for siding with the man who hurt Nunnally, who destroyed her and damned her for the rest of her life, and I _do_ but…”

“But sometimes you can’t.” Suzaku whispered.

“You don’t deserve this,” Lelouch muttered. “I won’t allow him to speak ill of you in that way. I _won’t_. He will pay—“

“I do deserve it, Lelouch,” Suzaku interrupted. “If we’re spilling truths then I might as well tell you… I killed my father.”

“What? You told me your father committed suicide.”

“He did,” Suzaku said, heart constricting painfully in his chest. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, all the oxygen being squeezed out of his lungs, wrung dry and limp. Just the memory was enough to make Suzaku sick, gut churning dangerously. “He did but it was my fault. We got into an argument and I said awful things Lelouch, just _awful_. I was young, 9 or 10, and I didn’t _know_ but I should have…I _killed_ him. I killed my own father. So, yeah, I _do_ deserve this. I deserve every ounce of your father’s disapproval. How can I be accepted into your family when I-I… when I broke my own?”

“Suzaku…” for once, it seemed that the Great Lelouch who _always_ had something to say was speechless. Then, a low chuckle erupted from deep within his stomach. It was evil but Lelouch couldn’t keep it inside, laughter spilling from him unceasingly. His whole body shook with laughter, frail shoulders heaving. 

Suzaku didn’t know whether to be angry or in awe at how his boyfriend could laugh. _Laugh!_

 _“Sorry_ ,” Lelouch managed to gasp out in between heaves of laughter. “ _Sorry!”_

“No you’re not,” Suzaku grumbled.

“It’s just, _hah_ , what a pair we make.”

Suzaku’s lush green eyes widened and, before he knew it, he felt the corners of his lips spread without meaning to. He was smiling. Then, unconsciously, he started to laugh, shoulders shaking.

It was ironic, almost, here they were, in an unfamiliar and uncomfortable place, yet, suddenly, they knew each other more intimately than they had in 5 years of dating. It was like Lelouch was a new person and Suzaku loved him. He loved him, he loved him, he _loved him._

“I don’t care about that stuff in the past, Suzaku, and you shouldn’t either.”

“How can I not?”

“You regret it, don’t you?”

“ _Of course_. I regret it everyday of my life. I shouldn’t even be alive—“

“Then you’re forgiven. You don’t need some grace of God to forgive you, Suzaku. Your remorse is enough. That’s the one thing my father never had, will never have— remorse. If you feel remorse then you’re forgiven.”

He wasn't god, he wasn't a being of higher power yet, something within him (the part that was so madly in love) believed Lelouch. 

“Lelouch… _God_ , Lelouch, I love you.”

A chuckle. A swipe of Lelouch’s finger, running over Suzaku’s chapped bottom lip.

“I love you too, Suzaku.”

“Things are going to be okay with your family. You know why? Because me and you can do anything if we’re together.”

Lelouch stilled at those words. Those were the words Suzaku had said to him on their first date, hands clasped against the duvet as he’d taken Lelouch’s virginity under the cover of midnight.

_“Me and you can do anything if we’re together.”_

It had been a ridiculous notion and Suzaku had felt silly, saying it at the time, but over the years those words had grown to become almost like a magic spell between them. A mantra, _a prophecy_. Those words could will anything into existence, the culmination of their relationship… no, _more than that._ Their partnership.

“You’re too optimistic for your own good, my family will not change so easily. I won't forgive them so easily, they're undeserving of my forgiveness.” Lelouch dismissed but Suzaku knew that his words stirred something inside Lelouch. He knew because, for the first time since the day his mother told him his father was dead, he felt a weight being lifted off his shoulders.

And it was because of Lelouch.

So, sitting in that desolate hallway with only the flickering light of a lamp, hanging on the wall, Suzaku swore that, by the end of the week, Lelouch would leave his childhood house with a smile. He would make it so. 

“C’mon,” Lelouch stood up, stretching out his back muscles. “I know a place we can sneak into the kitchen and get food without having to see everyone.”

Suzaku could only tilt his head back and laugh.

* * *

Suzaku woke up first, in the wee hours of the morning. His body was tangled with Lelouch’s, unceremoniously sprawled out over the entire surface of the bed, limbs extended all over the place.

Lelouch always looked so innocent when he was asleep, wore a faux naivety that was never there when he was awake. Suzaku basked in the sight for a few minutes, sitting up so he could tenderly stroke the soft tufts of black hair, messily spread across his boyfriend’s forehead like a dark halo against the light pillowcase.

“ _Pretty boy_ ,” huffed Suzaku. _Pretty boy_ , and he knew it.

It was only 5:30 in the morning but Suzaku could never fall back asleep once he’d woken up— a stark contrast to Lelouch, who rarely slept but when he did, could sleep anywhere— so he’d opted to slide out of the bed.

A chill met him as his feet touched the frigid wood floor, sending a shiver up his spine. Blindly, he rummaged through their luggage as quietly as possible to find a sweater.

Knowing that his presence, which Lelouch would angrily claim was ‘loud by nature’ would just wake his sleeping lover, he decided to leave. Everyone was probably asleep as well, giving him a good chance to explore the mansion in its entirety, so he slipped out of the door and into the hallway, darkened by the dawn.

Without the guidance of Lelouch, he got lost rather quickly. The house was like a bonafide maze, doors leading to endless rooms everywhere he turned, but it was lovely. Every room held a certain charm. Suzaku could picture Lelouch so vividly, as a child, running down the halls and reading, smushed into the big chairs of the library. Could see him playing chess in the game room and tumbling through the garden with Euphemia.

It made him smile.

He wished he could’ve known him back then.

Suzaku, by some miracle, managed to find his way to the garden. When he pushed the door open, a gust of chilly wind rushed to greet him. The air was dewy and wet and tiny stones crunched beneath his feet.

“Oh,” a voice spoke up, startling Suzaku. He hadn’t known anyone was up.

Over to the side sat Euphemia, legs perched on a marble bench. She motioned to the place beside her. “Suzaku, good morning. Come sit with me!”

A bird feeder stood next to the bench, three different colored small birds pecking their way through scattered seeds.

“Good morning,” Suzaku said through a yawn. “Why are you up so early?”

“Mornings are the best time to bird watch in this area,” Euphie replied, voice sweet and airy in Suzaku’s ear.

Euphemia had an air unlike the rest of Lelouch’s siblings. Where they— even Lelouch— were rough and hardened, Euphemia was soft. She was kind. Her eyes seemed to hold a sort of sympathy and understanding. If she hadn’t been wearing such expensive-looking garbs and a diamond necklace around her neck, Suzaku might’ve thought her to be just a regular person, same as he though Lelouch was when they first met.

“I named this one Jenny,” Euphemia told Suzaku, reaching her finger towards one of the birds. It was a small blue bird, hopping about. Astounded, Suzaku watched as ‘Jenny’ didn't pull away, even when Euphie’s finger came in contact with her feathers. Instead, it seemed to appreciate the touch (as best as a a bird could).

“You’re really good with them,” Suzaku praised.

Euphemia chuckled, stroking the edge of her pointer finger on Jenny’s wing. “No, not good with them. We just understand each other.”

“We got a cat,” Suzaku said. “Er— I mean, Lelouch and I. We got a cat a couple months ago. Lelouch likes to say that it’s _my_ cat and he has nothing to do with it but, honestly, I think Arthur likes him more than me.”

Euphemia blinked, eyes wide, before grinning, affectionately.

“That’s wonderful!” Then, a sort of regretful, sad shadow settled over her features. Her eyelids fluttered, delicately, before bringing her hands away from the bird feeder and to her lap. “I wish I could know more about him.”

“What do you mean?” Suzaku couldn’t help but to pry.

The early morning breeze rushed through the garden, blowing Euphemia’s long hair back, tumbling in the wind.

“When I came to your house a couple years ago, I hadn’t seen Lelouch in 5 years. He’s grown so much, hasn’t he? Yet I know nothing about him now. His life now. _You_.”

Suzaku let out a shaky breath.

Euphemia shook her head, suddenly, like she was trying to physically rid herself of the bad feelings. “No, I know it was his choice. And I respect that.”

“It’s not like it’s too late,” Suzaku said, reaching for her hand. Her palm was smooth, nails long and manicured. It felt nothing like Lelouch’s yet the feeling Suzaku felt when he held it was so distinctly similar. “He’s here, isn’t he? Isn’t that something?”

Euphemia looked shocked for a second, like she couldn’t quite comprehend his words, before smiling.

“Yes, that is something.”

They sat in silence for a little white, watching the sun peak over the top of the house, basking in the pink and golden light.

“I’m sorry that you had to see that last night,” Euphemia spoke up, breaking the quietness that had settled so comfortably between them. Suzaku didn’t need to ask what _that_ was to know. “It was… in poor taste. Father and Lelouch have always been at odds but we shouldn’t have let it go so far in front of our guest.”

“No,” Suzaku waved his hand, dismissively. “I understand, it’s okay.”

“It’s _not_ okay,” argued Euphemia loudly, turning very suddenly to look at Suzaku, her hand jerking out of his grasp at the action. “I know,” she sighed, “I know that Father’s business practices have been ugly but—“

Suzaku couldn’t help but blurt out, without even thinking, “So then why do you stay?”

Euphie quieted down at that, something akin to shame rising on her face.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean—“

“Because Cornelia-neesama once told me, when I was very little, that family was the most important thing. She said that friends come and go but blood will always be thicker than water.”

Euphemia craned her neck back, chin tilted upwards as she looked at the sky. She extended out a hand, grasping for a cloud above them that was miles and miles out of her reach.

“It’s not so simple,” she continued, her puffy sleeve flapping in the wind, “deciding to leave my family. I want to support Lelouch, I want to be with Nunnally. I want to know about Arthur and read Lelouch’s articles and get to know you, Suzaku, _I want things to go back to how they once were_ , but… I can’t so easily abandon the rest of them. How can I give up my mother and father, Schneizel and Clovis… _Cornelia-neesama_ for them?”

Her hand dropped to her side, then, and she turned to Suzaku, violet eyes searching his own for an answer that he could not quite provide.

“Is that wrong of me?” she asked, her voice very small, as if she was speaking from a great distance, lost in the depths of her own conscience.

“I—,” Suzaku stuttered. “I couldn’t tell you.”

Her shoulders dropped in dejection. “Of course you couldn’t,” she whispered but it wasn’t mean or with malice. “I shouldn’t have dumped all of that on you.”

“I couldn’t tell you,” Suzaku repeated, tentatively, “but I think you should give yourself some credit. _You_ were the one who sought out Lelouch two years ago, right? You’re making an effort and… well, who’s to say that you can’t have both? Be with your family while also staying loyal to Lelouch.”

Euphemia giggled, “You know Lelouch would never have it that way. It’s all or nothing with him, just like everyone else in our family.”

“You’ll figure it out,” Suzaku assured her, undeterred, because he genuinely felt the sentiment so. “There isn’t an answer nor is there one option. There is always a middle ground, there is always a way if you will it so.”

(“ _There is always a way if you will it so.”_ That had been something Lelouch had said, once, in passing but it had stuck with Suzaku ever since. It was a statement so _Lelouch_ that he could never get it out of his head).

“Thank you, Suzaku,” said Euphie. “You’re a very kind person. You don’t need to get involved with our affairs yet…”

“Well,” Suzaku rubbed the back of his neck. “I _want_ to— I mean, uh, I want to help Lelouch, y’know?”

“Well, Lelouch is very lucky.”

“No,” countered Suzaku, cheeks flushed from either the cold, nipping at his skin, or the thought of his lover (it was the latter), “It’s me who’s the lucky one.”

“Maybe you’re both the lucky ones.”

They stayed out in the garden for awhile, talking about nothing and everything at the same time. Suzaku learned that Euphie liked to embroider, he learned that they were all homeschooled and that, technically, Marianne was only a biological mother to Lelouch and Nunnally but she was Charles’ chosen wife and they accepted her as their mother from a young age.

Suzaku told Euphie about Kururugi Shrine, where he spent his summers as a kid, and how he and Lelouch go every New Year to pick out fortunes. He told her how, everyyear without fail, Lelouch gets Great Curse which, in a way, is even more rare then Great Blessing.

Euphie snorted with laughter at that, slapping a hand over her lips. “That’s our Lelouch,” she said. “Lucky in all the backwards ways.”

It wasn’t until, speak of the devil, he heard the garden door click and Lelouch appeared at the doorway. He was wearing a turtleneck that Suzaku had never seen, stylish and hugging his form in such a complementary way that Suzaku almost blushed.

“What are you doing out here?” he demanded, still cranky from jet-lag. “It’s freezing.”

( _Suzaku didn’t wonder if Lelouch woke up, alone and scared in a place he didn’t want to be at. Suzaku didn’t wonder if, just for a split second, Lelouch thought his father had done something to Suzaku, just as he had to Nunnally. He didn’t_ ).

“Not all of us have poor blood-circulation,” teased Suzaku and Lelouch’s eyes narrowed, miffed at the comment.

“Shut up, Suzaku,” muttered Lelouch, making his way towards the bench.

“Good morning, Lelouch,” chirruped Euphemia and Lelouch’s expression softened in a way that quite surprised Suzaku. Usually, that face was reserved for Nunnally and Nunnally only, though it wasn’t quite as sincere.

“Good morning.”

“I promised to take Nunnally to the pottery store in town today, would you like to come with us?” Euphie asked before turning to Suzaku. “And of course you’re invited, too, Suzaku. You can paint your own mug.”

“Oh!” Suzaku was taken off guard at the sudden invitation and looked over to Lelouch with searching eyes.

“I was going to take Suzaku to the lake,” Lelouch grumbled and Suzaku lit up at that, throwing him arms around Lelouch’s neck and pulling down for a hug (an angry _oomph_ came from Lelouch, glaring at Suzaku but doing nothing to remove the boy from himself).

“Sorry, Euphie, I’m sure the pottery place would’ve been nice but…”

“No,” Euphie smiled brightly, “don’t worry about it! You two have fun.”

They spent the rest of the morning at the lake, just a little walk behind Lelouch’s house.

The path was rocky and Lelouch almost slipped once, Suzaku catching him by his wrist and pulling him upright. Lelouch didn’t thank him but Suzaku beamed as if he did.

It was cold by the lake, a thin layer of ice spread precariously over the top of the water. One of the cooks prepared them a basket of breakfast foods and they ate it while sitting on the grass, brown and dead by Winter’s breath, dry beneath Suzaku’s fingertips.

“Stop smiling at me like that,” Lelouch mumbled, turning his head. “You look dumb.”

“ _You’re_ dumb,” responded Suzaku but he was still grinning like a goddamn idiot. “It’s sweet that you wanted to bring me here.”

“Well, you like nonsensical things like lakes and parks.”

“Not _nonsensical,_ Lelouch, _romantic._ ”

“Our ideas of romance are very different.”

Reaching over, Suzaku laced their fingers together. Lelouch’s touch was cold but it filled Suzaku with warmth, all the same.

“No,” Suzaku disagreed (because they always disagreed, it was their language. Their way of communication). “Our idea of romance is more similar than you give it credit to be.”

“ _Hmph_ ,” Lelouch stuck up his nose but he didn’t pull his hand away (he never did) and Suzaku knew. He just knew.

After a couple of minutes, Suzaku’s eyes trailing the clouds overhead as they rolled lazily down the skyline, big and puffy and white, Lelouch spoke up.

“Cornelia wants to see you this afternoon.”

“Me?” Suzaku asked, puzzled. “What for?”

“How should I know?” Lelouch retorted, indignantly. “I guess she heard that you’re a lacrosse player. She’s a fencer, maybe she wants to spar you.”

Fear prickled at Suzaku’s skin at the prospect, the memory of her cold greeting (or lack thereof) prevalent in his mind.

“In any matter, she told me to tell you to meet her in the courtyard at 4.” Then, after a pause, “Any last wishes? Amendments to your will?”

“ _Lelouch_ ,” Suzaku whined, long, drawn out and petulant as he pressed his forehead to Lelouch’s shoulder. “That’s not funny.”

Lelouch just snickered and shoved him away.

Cornelia had her foil pointed right at Suzaku’s chest as soon as he walked into the courtyard and, suddenly, Lelouch’s words rung out in his mind.

“ _Maybe she wants to spar you_.”

“Quite frankly,” she stated, voice clear and unwavering as she kept the tip of her foil pointed at him, darting at his every movement, “I do not approve of your relationship with my brother, nor do I think Euphie should be so friendly with you. So we’re going to spar and I’m going to prove how weak you are.”

“I don’t want to fight you,” Suzaku told her, blinking wildly and wondering how the hell he even ended up in this situation. The late-afternoon sun was already beginning to grow dim but the sky was still a striking blue.

Cornelia scoffed, looking at him as if he was nothing more than an ant under her boot, waiting to be crushed into oblivion (maybe, to her, he was). “It’s not a fight. It’s fencing.”

“I-I’m not a fencer. I’m a lacrosse player.”

“Surely you know the rules.” When Suzaku just stared, dumbly, at her, she sighed. “ _How uncouth._ The target zone is the torso, if you hit me, you get a point.”

“Oh.”

Slowly, Suzaku reached down to grab the saber that Cornelia placed in front of him. It was lighter than he expected, but the tip flopped around.

“En garde!”

_What the fuck?_

Tentatively, he positioned his body to copy Cornelia’s form, shifting his weight to his front leg and raising his arm behind him.

Cornelia made the first move, darting forward and thrusting her foil in one swift motion. Her hair swung behind her, coils of purple haze flashing in Suzaku’s peripheral vision.

In just one second, Suzaku immediately understood how talented she was. Her body reacted on its own, it seemed, every movement an elegant muscle memory, ingrained into her.

By some miracle, Suzaku managed to lean out of the way. His lacrosse reflexes served him well as he reached downwards to block the second thrust with his saber, pushing her arm back.

She smirked but he didn’t know if that was good or bad. Then, all at once, she rushed forward, her foil moving so fast in a flurry of slashes that all it was was blurs of white, dancing around Suzaku’s eyes at a wild pace.

He was on the defense immediately but it was too late, he felt the tap of her foil hitting right above his pec. Suzaku meant to push back but he couldn’t reorient himself fast enough and felt three more taps, all in quick succession.

 _Shit_ , screamed his thoughts, _shit. Shit. Shit_.

She was a hurricane, twisting around, every movement fluid and intentional.

“You’re weak!” Cornelia cried out, lunging forward and reaching underneath Suzaku’s line of sight to tap him once more. “You’re slow!”

“I’m trying,” Suzaku managed to grit out. _This is insanity._

In a brief moment of clarity, Suzaku spotted an opening. He charged forward, dodging one of her violent thrusts and extending his arm forward to tap her side when he felt something swift kick at his ankles and the ground rushed to meet him very quickly.

His shirt rode up on his stomach, skin touching the stone pathway that made up the ground of the courtyard. Cornelia towered in front of him, holding her foil at her side, menacingly. Her purple eyebrows were knit together tightly as she scowled at him.

“That was a dirty play,” Suzaku managed to gasp out, all the wind knocked from him after the fall.

“It was to prove a point,” Cornelia told him.

Suzaku felt hot anger rise in his chest, sticky and gooey and threatening to overflow. He tried to regulate his breathing but sharp inhales just kept coming, prickling at his lungs which only made him more frustrated.

“ _What point?_ ” he demanded, trying his best to stay calm but to no avail. “That I can’t have your brother because I can’t beat you in fencing?”

“That you don’t deserve him!”

That did it. In a blind haze, red around the edges, Suzaku leapt to his feet, stepping forward with such force that he could’ve _sworn_ Cornelia started to step back in hesitation.

“Have you ever thought that maybe it’s _you_ who doesn’t deserve _him_?” Suzaku asked, voice shaking in fury. “Weren’t _you_ the people that turned your backs on _him_? On Nunnally?”

“Don’t bring Nunnally into this,” Cornelia warned, voice low and threatening. Like the very action of mentioning Nunnally was a crime, punishable by death or something worse. 

She reached forward to press her finger into Suzaku’s chest, sharp and demanding. It was piercing when it touched his skin.

“If it weren’t for you, he would’ve returned a long time ago.”

Suzaku faltered, eyes widening in realization. All of the sudden, it made sense. _It all made sense._

“You…” he whispered, backing away, the anger fizzling away. “You think I stole him from you, don’t you?”

Cornelia’s whole demeanor changed at that, her foil fell to her side with a _clank_ that echoed in Suzaku’s ears, resounding. Her lips twisted, pulled into a taut line, as she stared holes into Suzaku. Disgust, fear, anger, and sadness ran through her, shaking her whole body.

_She doesn’t know how to love him._

“Look,” Suzaku started, dropping his saber next to where hers lay, fallen and rolling about, “I don’t want to make enemies with you but you’re wrong. It’s not me you should be angry at. It’s also not me you should be talking about this to… _it’s him_.”

Cornelia laughed, sharp and haughty (vaguely, Suzaku wondered if her glare could kill a person with its razor intensity).

“He’d never forgive me.”

Suzaku narrowed his eyes. “Have you even ever tried?”

“I don’t _want_ him to forgive me,” she amended, turning her head away to stare at nothing in the distance (look anywhere but Suzaku’s prying eyes that read her like a book, saw through her anger and into her pain). “I don’t need forgiveness and he doesn’t need an apology. He needs to come home.”

“You know that he won’t,” Suzaku spoke softly. “His home is in Japan now. His home is our house and me and Nunnally.”

“ _Lies_ ,” Cornelia lashed out, throwing her fist down. “He _thinks_ he belongs in Japan but he belongs with us.”

“He’ll never belong with you until you tell him why you chose your father over him.”

“Because,” she answered, venom in her tone, “blood will always be thicker than water.”

“So tell him that,” Suzaku said, simply. “He might not accept it but if that’s your reason then you need to tell him that.”

“He’ll resent me forever.”

“He already does.”

“He’s special.” ( _I won’t let you take him_ )

“He is.” ( _It’s not you who gets to decide that_ )

They’re quiet for a minute, both of their chests rising and falling rapidly as they struggled to catch their breath as they stood in opposition to each other. Even in the frigid December air, Suzaku felt like his whole body was on fire, burning with an intensity akin to nothing else he’d felt before.

In a voice barely even a whisper, Cornelia spoke, cutting the silence like a searing knife, “I’m going to rise the ranks of Father’s company then I will take what’s mine and start my own faction, separate from everything else. And I'm going to give it to Euphie. I will write his wrongs and then you’ll see who Lelouch comes to.”

Suzaku couldn’t help but smile at that, for once seeing Cornelia as a whole person. Not just the mask she chose to portray to the world— hard, talented and uncaring— but the doting sister who adamantly refused changed and couldn’t quite understand why it drove those she loved away. He saw her as a deadly fencer, who only wanted the love of her siblings but couldn’t figure out the right way to love them back.

It was almost like a dare, her words. And Suzaku was infamous for never being able to back down.

“I accept your challenge,” Suzaku said, bowing his head, respectfully.

“ _Hmph_ ,” she sneered but she was grinning, purple lipstick turned up in a simper that she couldn’t quite keep inside.

She turned to leave but paused, right before she got to the door.

“Your core needs work. You will never have real strength unless you train it, daily. I recommend yoga. I do it here, every morning at 8:45.”

It wasn’t an invitation yet, at the same time, it was. Suzaku pumped his fist to himself, chalking it down as a win in his book.

(That night, as Suzaku was walking back to Lelouch’s room with the day’s exhaustion weighing on his bones, he spotted that familiar, impossible-to-miss fuchsia hair that was still bright, even in the darkness of the evening.

Cornelia and Lelouch stood, alone, on the terrace. Lelouch looked uncomfortable—angry, even— shoulders tensed up and arms crossed to his chest but they were _talking_ and they were _listening to each other._ Suzaku’s heart fluttered with relief.

He didn’t ask Lelouch about what they talked about when the latter crawled into bed next to Suzaku, half an hour later, just kissed him sweetly and wished him good dreams. _Some things deserve to be kept between siblings._ )

* * *

The next day brought Christmas Eve and that always left Suzaku with a giddy, childish glee. As soon as he woke up, eyelids fluttering against the early morning sunlight that spilled between the cracks of the curtains, he felt a lighthearted buzzing in his chest that only came with the holidays.

Lelouch’s nose pressed against the crook of his neck. His breath was soft, tickled Suzaku’s skin, but he was warm and Suzaku wasn’t planning on letting go any time soon. Lelouch perpetually smelled like lavender, even when he forgot to shower, in favor of working on his articles, and downing espresso shots like they were water, the scent still followed him. Suzaku had never thought much of lavender when he was young but it had quickly grown into his favorite smell not even a month into their relationship.

Lavender was home. It was happiness and sex. It was drowning in love, never coming up for air. It was Lelouch. Even in Lelouch’s _actual_ home, Suzaku wasn’t at home unless he smelled lavender.

“Are you smelling me?” Lelouch muttered, waving his hand in an attempt swatting Suzaku away.

“No,” Suzaku lied, taking in a sharp inhale before pulling Lelouch closer. “What are your plans for today?"

“ _Mmm_ ,” Lelouch murmured, still far-gone in drowsiness. “Clovis said he’d play me in chess but I don’t know why he even bothers. He’s never once beaten me so what’s the point?”

Suzaku chuckled. _How can the smartest person I know be so clueless?_

“Maybe he just wants to hang out with you,” he prompted, trying to subtly clue Lelouch in.

“ _Tch_ ,” Lelouch clicked his tongue (Suzaku wondered if his boyfriend was aware of how much of Cornelia was in him. If Lelouch knew just how similar they could sometimes be), “I don’t need any of his sentimental drivel.”

“Sure, sure,” Suzaku said, teasing because he loved to poke the bear.

“Shut up, Suzaku.”

“I love you too, Lulu.”

A pause.

“You know,” Suzaku looped his arm around Lelouch’s neck, stroking a few locks of black hair out of Lelouch’s face, tucking them behind his ear. “I’m really glad we came.”

Lelouch jeered as if the statement was somehow funny or amusing somehow. “ _Why_?”

“I feel like I know you better than ever before,” Suzaku murmured, peppering a series of kisses onto Lelouch’s cheeks, lips and jaw. “Being here is like meeting you again and again, every version of you.”

“Only you’d say something as absurd as that,” Lelouch shot back. “You already have me now, what’s the point in understanding creatures of the past? They’re long gone. It’s useless.”

“Maybe to you,” Suzaku whispered, pressing a kiss to Lelouch’s lips. He tasted like morning breath and the remnants of toothpaste from the night before, just barely there. “But I want to know every single you so I can fall in love with him all over again.”

Lelouch would deny it vehemently, scream and protest if you brought it up, but the blush that tickled his cheeks was as red as a tomato.

“Suzaku!” Euphie called out, voice ringing like a bell, as Suzaku was making his way from the kitchen to the garden. She and Nunnally were sat at the dining room table, a cluttered array of decorations, glue, and paper scraps literally the space in front of them.

Taking a detour, Suzaku walked towards them. Upon coming close, he could see that they were cutting snowflakes out of white crafting paper.

“Come join us, Suzaku-san,” Nunnally insisted and, well, who was Suzaku to deny her?

Pulling up a chair, Suzaku plopped down and inspected the snowflakes they’d made so far.

“These are really nice,” he praised, sticking his finger through one of the holes. In doing so, he accidentally ripped it and Euphemia snatched it from his hand.

“ _Jeez_ ,” she admonished and Suzaku chuckled, apologetically. Shoving a pair of scissors and a piece of paper into his hands she huffed. “Now you have to remake the one you damaged,” she paused. “No, actually, to absolve your sin against the God of arts and crafts, you have to make ten more.”

“ _Ten_?” Suzaku repeated. “That’s an 1000% increase!”

Shrugging, Euphemia turned back to her own sheet, working on cutting hearts around the edges with steady hands that Suzaku was definitely not graced the same with.

“Guess you’ll need to start working.”

In the background, Christmas music played, light and low.

“Do you think it’s gonna snow tomorrow, Euphie-neesama?” Nunnally asked, so focused on her snowflake that she didn’t even look up.

Pausing to look out the window, Euphie hummed. “I don’t know. It’s been _years_ since we’ve had a white Christmas.”

“The last Christmas me and nii-sama spent here was a white one,” Nunnally said, a hint of wistfulness permeated her voice. Like she was recalling a delicate memory, fragile and breakable yet so valuable that you’d need to cradle it in your palm. “Do you remember, Euphie-neesama?”

“Of course,” Euphemia responded, lifting up her snowflake to look at it in the daylight, the white paper backlit by the noon sunbeams. “We made snowflakes just like these and we gave them to everyone as a gift.”

Her words got the gears in Suzaku’s memory turning as he began to remember the snowflake he’d once found in Lelouch’s files, almost 3 years ago when they’d decided to move in together. It had been ripped, tattered and fraying at the edges, but it was hidden with such care that Suzaku had known, instinctually, that it was incredibly personal. He’d never brought it up to his boyfriend, hadn’t known the intense meaning it held, but everything made sense now.

“I wonder if they still have them,” mused Nunnally. “Probably not.”

“They do,” Suzaku spoke up, without even thinking. Nunnally and Euphemia’s eyes snapped up, staring at him. “Er— I mean, well, Lelouch still does. He’d probably kill me for saying so but when we were moving, I was rummaging through his file cabinet looking for something and I found it. It was kind of ripped but… uh, he kept it. Don’t tell him I told you so.”

Suzaku was shocked when Nunnally’s kind eyes filled with glassy tears, Euphie clutching her hand to her chest, holding her heart.

“That’s very nii-sama thing to,” Nunnally murmured.

“Yeah,” Suzaku agreed, looking down at the paper snowflake, nestled in his hands. “It is.”

(If there were tears stinging the corner of _his_ eyes too, he wouldn’t say).

Lelouch and Clovis were still playing chess by the time Suzaku, Nunnally, and Euphemia had finished with the snowflakes (somehow he’d been roped into putting them around the house too, claiming that they needed someone tall to get the places they couldn’t reach).

It was past lunch by the time they’d put the last one up, over the fireplace mantle, and Suzaku was running out of things to do. He’d busied himself thoroughly, yoga with Cornelia in morning and snowflakes with the girls through the afternoon, but just wandering the desolate halls was not nearly enough so he sought out Lelouch.

As expected, Lelouch and Clovis were in the library (which took Suzaku an embarassingly long time to find), hunched over the chessboard with calculating eyes.

“Hi,” Suzaku greeted, shoving Lelouch over so they could both squeeze into the chair. The chairs were large but not so to accommodate two fully grown adults, their bodies pressed up uncomfortably but Suzaku made no move to get up. Nor did Lelouch protest, too engrossed in a game where his victory was already ensured.

“Hello Suzaku,” Clovis replied, words wisping. “How has your day been?”

“Fun,” Suzaku leaned his head on Lelouch’s shoulder, just to be annoying. “Me an’ Nunnally an’ Euphie cut out some snowflakes.”

Clovis pouted, jutting out his bottom lip petulantly. “They _never_ tell me when they’re gonna do that beforehand,” he complained, flicking his chess piece to make a rather mediocre move (Suzaku saw the way Lelouch smirked, just for a split second. _Cocky bastard_ , he thought, affectionately). “It’s really no fair.”

“I don’t see why you bother with silly stuff like that,” muttered Lelouch, finally entering the conversation.

“Art is _not_ silly, Lelouch.”

“Don’t mind him,” Suzaku piped up. “He doesn’t have the brain to understand art.”

Huffing, deeply offended, Lelouch turned to glare at his boyfriend. “Shut up. I can understand art just _fine._ I just don’t see the _point_. There’s a distinct difference, Suzaku.”

“No,” drawled out Clovis, shifting around to drape his legs over the armrest of the chair, the leather squeaking beneath his movement. “Your boyfriend is right. You’re too methodical to understand the poignant emotion that art brings. To understand the intricacies of color and the way it transcends— ”

“I can, however, win at chess.”

Clovis sputtered, uselessly, at that, now _his_ turn to be offended.

Suzaku could’ve laughed. He could’ve _cried_ because, right in that second, he felt something that he hadn’t in a very long time.

He felt like he was in a _family_. Like, even despite all the years he spent believing he didn’t deserve to be part of a family again (he still didn’t, he ignored the tiny voice that screamed in the very back of his mind, telling him he was awful for these feelings), he defied all odds and was starting to belong.

It was disjointed and ugly, Lelouch was still angry, still incredibly resentful, Suzaku _knew_ that, yet there was something so tender about the moment. It was so soft around the edges that all the anger seemed to wash away, replaced with only bitter memories and a bright future.

That all went away when Clovis spoke up, though, shattering the peaceful ambiance that was already teetering so precariously.

“Father went to the city their morning. He said he’ll be back by Christmas.”

“I don’t care,” Lelouch said sharply, knocking over Clovis’ rook with so much force that the whole board shook. “I don’t want to see him.”

“I know,” Clovis answered as if it was the most obvious statement in the world. “I just thought you should know, though.”

“Well, I didn’t need to.” A pause. “Check.”

“ _What_?!”

Clovis scrambled to move his piece for his next turn but it was a sloppy move and he’d fallen prey, tumbled right into the trap that Lelouch had been meticulously setting up for the past 4 turns.

“Checkmate.”

Now that Charles was out of the house, Lelouch and Suzaku came to dinner once the evening arrived.

“Is everyone excited for Christmas?” Marianne asked, hands clasped together as they waited for dessert (Dinner had been fantastic, Suzaku hadn’t known that his stomach could fit so much).

Schneizel chuckled, wiping the corner of his mouth with his napkin, “It’s only another day, Mother.”

Marianne frowned at that, pointing an accusatory finger at the eldest son. “That’s the exact talk of a Grinch, Schneizel,” she said.

“You better tread lightly,” Cornelia teased, “or you might get coal.”

Lelouch huffed with a chuckle but, stubbornly determined to be sullen and bad-tempered, he covered it up with an unconvincing cough. Suzaku smirked, hooking his ankle around Lelouch’s under the table.

“ _Oh_!” Suzaku jolted at an embarassing realization. “We didn’t bring presents for everyone! Lelouch… how could we forget?”

“I didn’t forget,” grumbled Lelouch, under his breath, “I just didn’t care.”

Suzaku elbowed his side, annoyed, before turning back to the family, guilt and embarrassment singeing his cheekbones.

“It’s okay,” Euphemia said, smiling sadly. “Just Lelouch and Nunnally being home is present enough. You too, Suzaku. That was all we wanted.”

“That’s what _some_ of you wanted,” Lelouch breathed out his words so no one could hear them except Suzaku but his tone wasn’t the same as it had been, lacked the usual biting resentment.

“Well,” Nunnally spoke up, gentle like always, “it’s wonderful to be here.”

The conversation died down at the arrival of dessert, a decadent chocolate cake that Suzaku had to convince Lelouch to share with him, but the air hung heavy, nonetheless.

“They say that they want us here,” Lelouch muttered, hours later in the pitch dark (that was the thing about being so secluded. In Tokyo, there was always light, even well into the night, but here it was totally blacked out by midnight).

“Hmm?” Suzaku mumbled, fighting a losing battle with sleep that was threatening to overtake him. The sound of his boyfriend’s voice, though, cutting through the darkness, had him alert.

“They _said_ they want us here at dinner,” Lelouch continued, his fingers curled tighter around Suzaku’s side, fingernails digging half-moon indents into Suzaku’s supple skin, “but don’t you think that’s rather phony? The only one who genuinely sought us out was Euphie. Mother pretends to care but she never truly does, Schneizel and Cornelia try but they are selfish and self-serving.”

“I know, hun,” Suzaku murmured, stroking Lelouch’s knuckles. “I know it’s hard.”

When Lelouch didn’t reply so Suzaku heaved a sigh, shifting around so they were facing at each other in the dark, the tips of their noses pressed together. He traced the edge of Lelouch’s high cheekbone with his pointer finger, the way they jut out so elegantly, framing his face to be so dangerously handsome.

“They’re trying, Lulu.”

“How can you say that?”

“Cornelia is. So is Euphie. If Nunnally has forgiven them, can you?”

“No,” Lelouch answered quickly. “Nor do I want to. Not as long as they are loyal to Father.”

“I don’t want to argue with you but—“

“You’re taking _their_ side?”

Suzaku sat up, jerking away.

“ _No!”_ he hissed, trying his best not to shout and wake anyone else up. “No. I’m not. I’m just trying to see things in a different way. You know, Lelouch, things are always as black and white as you make them out to be.”

He thought of Cornelia, the conversation they had in the courtyard. Her resolve. The earnest look in her eyes.

“Maybe their way of resistance isn’t as overt as yours, Lelouch. _Talk to them._ Maybe they feel the same and they’re trying to push back it in their own way.”

Lelouch sighed, reaching for Suzaku’s hand.

“Can we not fight?” he asked and all of Suzaku’s anger dissipated at such a simple yet profound request.

“Okay,” whispered Suzaku, lying back down and pulling Lelouch to his chest, carding his fingers through the dark hair that ran down the base of his boyfriend’s neck, crawling down the nape. “Okay.”

“I’m not going to change my mind, Suzaku,” Lelouch said.

A sigh. “I know.”

But Suzaku could feel Lelouch’s heart, beating and pulsing. It raced erratically and Suzaku wondered if, just maybe, Lelouch was lying.

* * *

“Merry Christmas!” Euphie and Nunnaly sang out, jolting the two boys awake from where they were sleeping, so peacefully. Their bodies were a tangled mess, the duvet caught between their gangly limbs but it was _comfortable_ and being roused from it was upsetting.

Still, Suzaku was good-natured, running a fist over his eyes to rub the sleep away. “Merry Christmas,” he mumbled through a yawn, offering his sleepiest smile.

Lelouch was not so easygoing.

“Is the concept of knocking really so difficult?” Then, when his blurry vision finally focused and his eyes landed on Nunnally, it was like his whole personality did a 180. “Merry Christmas,” he said, warm and genuine.

Nunnally beamed. _She truly loves her nii-sama_.

“C’mon, Lelouch,” Euphemia urged. “Come to breakfast.”

“It’ll be fun, nii-sama,” Nunnally chimed and Suzaku knew that was the nail in the coffin. Lelouch had many skills in life but saying no to his most precious sister, especially when she asked so earnestly, was not one.

“Okay, okay,” he grumbled. “We’ll be down in ten minutes.”

Once the girls left, dissolving down the hallway in excited chatters, Lelouch turned to Suzaku.

“Merry Christmas,” Suzaku cupped Lelouch’s cheek before pressing a kiss to his lips. He didn’t kiss back at first, insisting on being in a bad mood but Lelouch, though he hated to admit it, was a man of weak convictions when it came to romance. He always gave in easily. 

“ _Whatever,”_ he murmured in between the parted opening on Suzaku’s lips. His words vibrated and Suzaku giggled through the kiss. Cheekily, he slid his tongue into Lelouch’s mouth for just a second, drawing a sloppy figure 8.

When he tried to break away, Lelouch caught him by the back of his head, pulling him in for more. _Brat,_ thought Suzaku but he was more than happy to comply.

They made out sloppily, shifting around so Suzaku had Lelouch pinned, boxed down to the mattress as they shared wet kisses, Suzaku leaning down to suck a small, barely-there hickey onto Lelouch’s collarbone.

“Seems kind of wrong,” Suzaku murmured in between breathless kisses, “doing this in your childhood bedroom.”

“Why’d you have to say that?” Lelouch groaned. “Must you always ruin the mood?”

After a couple of minutes, Suzaku finally did pull away, swiping his thumb across Lelouch’s lips to wipe away the string of saliva that connected them.

“C’mon. We can’t keep your family waiting too long.”

Lelouch rolled his eyes, turning over to bury his nose in his pillow. “I don’t care.”

“Yes you do,” Suzaku whispered, pressing the most chaste of kisses to the back of Lelouch’s neck before pulling him up and dragging him to the bathroom to change and get ready.

Nunnally was waiting for them at the foot of the stairs, a small box sitting in her lap. It was wrapped in red paper with a bow tied to the top.

“Nii-sama,” she said, once they got to her. “This is for you. For sticking by me and always looking out for me.”

Suzaku watched as Lelouch’s face melted, eyelids crinkling at the edges as he tried, desperately, to keep the tears at bay.

“You didn’t have to,” he said to Nunnally, carefully taking the box from her hands.

Inside, nestled perfectly in a bed of green tissue paper, was a mug that she had painted a couple days ago. It had a big handle, just as Lelouch liked (Suzaku couldn’t count how many rants he’d been forced to sit through, listening to Lelouch vent about how tiny handles for coffee mugs were useless and sloppy and should “ _burn in Hell’s wrath”_ ).

“It’s lovely,” he told Nunnally, offering her a smile. “Thank you.”

The rest of the day was rather uneventful. They had a large breakfast before Marianne declared, loudly and emphatically, that she wanted to go to town and see the decorations. Said that it wouldn’t be crowded because everyone else was at church and Cornelia offered to drive her.

Euphemia stayed behind to bake cookies with Nunnally and Clovis was off doing whatever he did during the way so Suzaku, once again, found himself wandering the halls of the house, aimlessly.

In a way, Suzaku was sort of glad that Lelouch’s family didn’t treat Christmas like a grand affair. All the children were grown, too old for the magical whims of Santa and presents, so it felt more like a vacation than anything else.

He’d been trying to find the door that led to the garden (it always seemed to dart away and evade him when he was looking for it) when he heard it; the unmistakable sound of Lelouch’s voice.

And he sounded _mad_.

He followed the incoherent shouting, listening to it grow louder until he was beside the door to the library. Suzaku _knew_ that eavesdropping was bad, he _knew it_ , but there was a distinct anguish in his tone that Suzaku couldn’t ignore.

Maybe it was the protective part in him, the irrational voice that told him that the only way to redeem himself was to guard those he loved, but his body refused to walk away and let things be. So, instead, he hid himself in the blindspot of the hallway, completely out of view but still within an earshot.

“Don’t do this,” the second voice rung out. _Schneizel_ , Suzaku realized. He didn’t know what had transpired that led Lelouch to his eldest brother but from the tension—the fury— that was almost tangible in the air, he knew it couldn’t have been good. “Don’t do this on Christmas.”

“What does Christmas have anything to do with this?” Lelouch demanded. “Your excuses will only take you so far, Schneizel.”

“Lelouch,” Schneizel said, his tone heavy yet unreadable. A warning ( _a dare)._ “You don’t know the full picture. Although you might find it hard to believe, you don’t know everything.”

“ _Don’t know the full picture_?” Lelouch spat, anger seeping in his voice causing it to shake in that way that signaled he was really, truly angry. “What else is there? You took Father’s side. That action speaks louder than anything you have to say.”

“You’re wrong.”

“How can I be wrong? If you’re so sure of yourself, so emboldened by self-righteousness, then you would tell me,” Lelouch brought his fist down to the oak table in front of them, slamming it down with such force that Suzaku almost jumped, clamping a hand over his mouth before he could blow his cover.

“You’re a _journalist_ Lelouch,” Schenizel replied, voice steady where Lelouch’s wavered. “How can I trust you with such delicate information?”

“You talk a big game about family, you and Cornelia _both_ ,for someone so disloyal to his own kin.”

Schenizel scoffed. “I hardly think you have any foot to stand on, in that regard.”

“I left _because_ of family, don’t you get it!?” Lelouch roared. “When you took Father’s side, you betrayed Nunnally. She’s _my_ family, she’ll always be my family. And, for my family, I will take Father down. I will destroy his legacy and if you’re not going to tell me what you have planned, then be prepared for _your_ legacy to go down with it.”

No one spoke after that, each second agonizingly long. Each sizing the other up, running thousands of calculations per second, weighing the pros. The cons. The benefits and downfalls. _It’s like a chess game_ , Suzaku thought, _but verbal. Mental._

“I’m in the middle of a confidential project,” Schneizel finally said, apparently coming to the conclusion that he had more to gain by telling Lelouch ( _Or_ , the optimist in Suzaku said, _maybe he cares. Maybe he’s not all talk about family. Maybe, by some miracle, he wants Lelouch to understand him_ ). “I’m slowly moving Father’s assets to my own jurisdiction. I doubt he’s realized yet but he will, so I’ve been spreading out each transfer so to raise as little suspicion as possible.”

“You—you…”

“You think I don’t know what kind of man Father is? You think I’m so foolish as to not see a trainwreck in progress, just waiting to explode? You think too little of me, little brother,” Schneizel sneered.

Then, his tone dropped to something soft. Something Suzaku had never heard from Schneizel before. If he hadn’t known better, he’d think it was almost _fond._

“I did this because I believed in you, Lelouch. Once your article drops, whenever it may be, I plan to have control of at least 75% of the corporation and I’m projected to control 90% of the board. In secret, of course. So when the day comes and you expose him, we can vote him out and I will assume the top position. I’ve _always_ factored you into my calculations.”

Lelouch was quiet for quite some time, Suzaku couldn’t see him but he just _knew_ the gears were turning in Lelouch’s brain. It was almost incredible, a breathtaking sight, to hear a conversation between Schneizel and Lelouch. It was like a battle of wits, an unceasing struggle to gain the upper hand. Suzaku had never met someone who could challenge Lelouch as effectively as Schneizel, someone with almost equal ambition and intellect. Self-serving yet emotional to a fault. It was sort of inspiring (more _frightening_ , though).

“Don’t expect me to wait for you,” Lelouch eventually said.

Schneizel laughed, sharp. Understanding. They were finally ( _finally_ ) on the same playing field. Finally saw things as they truly were, intentions stripped bare.

“I wouldn’t expect any favors, I’m no idiot.”

“You better be ready, the day I release it.”

Their words were lashing whips, striking each other strategically but Suzaku couldn’t stop the smile frown spreading across his lips, so big that his cheeks ached.

 _They’re going to be okay_.

“I talked to my brother,” Lelouch told Suzaku. They were standing on the balcony in Lelouch’s bedroom, watching the stars. Night had fallen rather uneventfully but Suzaku wasn’t quite ready to go to bed so he’d suggested stargazing.

It was cold, _freezing_ , but neither made an effort to go inside or even complain.

Since Lelouch had no chairs, they leaned against the metal railing, elbows folded on the cool, rounded surface.

“Really?” Suzaku asked, feigning innocence as best he could. He was a horrible liar, evident in the way Lelouch stared at him, raising an eyebrow in suspicion but he didn’t press on.

“Yes. He told me that he was planning to go against Father too. He plans to kick him off the board and seize complete control.”

Suzaku waited for Lelouch to say something, comment on the situation but no words came.

“And?”

“And what?”

“That’s all? You don’t feel any particular way about that?”

“I feel…” a low, self-depreciating chuckle. “I feel indifferent.”

Suzaku laughed at that, quick breathes that came out in streamy puffs of condensation against the cold air.

“I doubt that’s true. I don’t think you’ve ever felt indifferent about something in your whole life. I don’t think you even know what ‘indifferent’ feels like.”

“I feel like everything I’ve been doing is for nothing.” Lelouch whispered, staring straight ahead. Watching the trees, just a shadowy, indistinct mess in the dark, dance in the breeze. “If, this whole time Schneizel had been planning to go against Father anyway, what was the point?”

“Hey,” Suzaku frowned, turning towards Lelouch. “Look at me.”

Slowly, Lelouch turned to meet Suzaku’s disapproving gaze.

“I never want to hear you say such stupid crap again, you hear me? Your anger has never been pointless. You’re doing this for Nunnally, you’re doing this because you’re a Knight of Justice and your work has more meaning than you know. You’re doing this because you’re a bringer of truth and you won’t let the 7 years you spent in Japan go to waste just because your anger is a mutual feeling. Got it, asshole?”

Lelouch looked stunned for almost five seconds, gorgeously vivid purple eyes as wide as saucers. The stars danced in his irises, big and gleaming. Slowly, a smile spread across his lips, pinched together and thin but beautiful.

Actually, as Suzaku studied his boyfriend, _all_ of him looked beautiful. The light of the moon had his milky skin sparkling, his image backlit and limning him in a silver glow. The slope of his nose, even and long. The rough yet detailed way Lelouch’s face was drawn, crafted so carefully, was breathtaking.

Suzaku had never seen an angel (he wasn’t sure if he ever would, if his sins would never allow him the chance) but he was sure, 100% positive, that Lelouch was the closest thing to one. A descendent of an ethereal being.

(Looks-wise, of course. Nothing about Lelouch’s anger— his revenge plot— was wholesome. Genius but not wholesome.)

Perhaps what made him beautiful was not his face, though, but purpose instilled within him. The will to do right by those he cared about.

 _Dedication and devotion_ , Suzaku thought _, is incredibly sexy._

Lelouch snorted.

 _Wait._ Had he said that aloud?

“I’m not dedicated,” Lelouch murmured, leaning in to close the gap between their faces. “Just an unsatisfied person.”

Between kisses, Suzaku asked, “Unsatisfied with what?”

“Everything.”

“Okay.”

“Not you, though.”

“Not me?”

“No. Never you.”

* * *

The rest of the week went by faster than Suzaku expected. He spent his days doing yoga with Cornelia and talking with Euphie, feeding the birds and listening to her ambitions (she wanted to go to school, raise enough of her own money to start a charity. Suzaku was endlessly in awe).

Clovis gave him a painting lesson but he wasn’t all that good. His wrist kept slipping off the canvas but Clovis praised it as an excellent “abstract expressionism piece” ( _whatever that meant_ ).

Lelouch and Schneizel played hours of chess in the garden, Suzaku tried to watch a match once but it made him dizzy and confused.

On the last full day of their visit, Euphie took him to town. There was a farmers market and she said that the seasonal fruit was delicious and that he just _had_ to try the grapefruits.

“I’ll pick you up in this spot in an hour,” Cornelia asserted, from behind the half-open window of the driver’s seat. She shot them a pointed look. “Don’t be late.”

Before they could reply, the window rolled up and she sped away.

“Cornelia’s the only one of us with a license,” Euphemia said as they began to walk towards the center of the town. Euphemia was dressed like a real-life fairytale, complete with the wicker basket she held, clasped between her fingers, swinging back and forth as they walked.

“She said that women need to be independent and refused to rely on chauffeurs,” Euphie giggled. “Well, she’s better than the rest of us. I’d like to learn someday, though.”

“I can teach you if you’d like,” Suzaku offered before realizing that, well, there wasn’t exactly time to do that. “Er, I mean, _someday_ , I guess.”

Euphie sighed, “A week sure goes by fast, doesn’t it?”

“It does,” Suzaku agreed, absentmindedly pulling his coat closer into his body, arms wrapping around his middle. “It feels like we got here yesterday.”

“I’m really glad they all got to meet you,” said Euphie. “Thank you for looking out for Lelouch all these years. I know that he looks after Nunnally but, y’know, before I came to Japan two years ago, I was always so afraid that no one was looking out for him. So when I met you, I was…I was so happy.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Suzaku replied, lightly. “It was me who fell in love with Lelouch first, after all.”

His mind wandered to the day he first saw Lelouch, walking from the main campus to the library. The shortcut route he liked to take cut straight through the athletic center. Suzaku had seen Lelouch through the chained fence— tall, lanky arms with his nose stuck in a book— and he has just known. Not at the time, not with much clarity, but he’d known that Lelouch was going to be it for him.

That had been almost two months before they’d actually met. He’d never tell Lelouch, insisted that the first time he’d seen him was when they met in Psychology Class because it was a memory Suzaku liked to keep to himself.

“He and Schneizel-niisama seem to have made some sort of peace, don’t you think?” Euphemia mused and Suzaku was almost scared with how clairvoyant she was. “Good. I was worried about them.”

They rounded the corner, entering the farmer’s market. It was busy, bustling with people on a Saturday afternoon. The scent of baked goods and cut-meats wafted through the air.

“There’s this one old lady,” Euphemia said, taking Suzaku by the arm so she could lead him, weaving in and out of the crowd, “who sells the best fruit. She’s very nice, she’s a widow and she says that she keeps the fruit business running because it was her husband’s passion in life. She’ll love to meet you.”

The stand in question was small, smushed between a fish monger and a vegetable stand. Baskets of fruit were lined up on a singular table, overflowing. An old lady sat, perched in a chair next to it, a headscarf tied around her hair and a bulky shawl wrapped around her frail shoulders.

“Hello Mrs. Garcia,” she greeted, cheerfully. “What do you have today?”

The old woman’s voice was shaky and cracked when she spoke but she smiled upon Euphemia’s entrance.

“The pomegranates are very good today…” she trailed off when her gaze settled on Suzaku (who, mind you, was still nestled in Euphemia’s hold), looking him up and down before she wiggled her eyebrows, suggestively. “Is this your boyfriend, Miss. Euphie? He’s so _handsome_.”

“I—“ Suzaku sputtered uselessly, breaking away from Euphemia’s hold. “We—uh…”

Euphie wasn’t flustered at all, though, hands coming together to link behind her back. She beamed, gleefully.

“No, Mrs. Garcia, it’s not like that. He's… family.”

Euphemia ended up buying out Mrs. Garcia’s whole fruit stand, telling Suzaku, as they walked away, lugging sacks of fruit behind them, that the least she could do was use her family’s money to help those who needed it.

It was admirable beyond belief (though very heavy, regardless) and Cornelia didn’t seem surprised when she came to pick them up, just sighed and got out of the car, helping them load it into the truck.

“It’ll be fine,” Euphemia beamed from the backseat. “We can have fruit tarts!”

“No one can eat that many fruit tarts,” Cornelia replied.

Euphie frowned at that before snapping her fingers like she had a _eureka_ moment. “Lelouch and Nunnally can take some home.”

“Uh… I don’t think you’re allowed to bring fruits over the border,” Suzaku said, sheepishly.

“Oh. Well, Father will like it, in any matter.”

The mention of Charles hung heavy as soon as it came out of Euphemia’s mouth. He had been holed up in his and Marianne’s suite for the duration of the week, didn’t want to see Lelouch or Suzaku. Not that Lelouch cared, he _preferred_ it that way, saying to Suzaku that he _hoped_ they were making him uncomfortable.

Still, the topic didn’t just disappear into thin air. It was an unavoidable subject, Suzaku shifting nervously in his seat, fidgeting with the seatbelt around his chest.

“Well,” Euphie clapped her hands together loudly, picking up on the tense atmosphere and changing the subject quickly, “what shall we do on your last night?”

“We don’t need anything special,” Suzaku told her. “For me, at least, just a normal night would be perfect.”

“Look at you,” teased Euphemia, nudging his side, “fitting right in.”

Her voice dropped then, turning to look out of the window. The scenery passed quickly, the bare branches of trees, stripped of their leaves in the winter months, were like blurs as they sped past.

“Make sure Lelouch comes back, okay?” she whispered. “I know it’s an unreasonable request, might just be wishful thinking, and it’s unfair of me to put that on you, Suzaku, but I don’t want to waste another 7 years not knowing him.”

“I’ll do my best,” promised Suzaku. And he truly believed it.

* * *

“Do you have everything?” Marianne asked. “Passports? Boarding passes?”

“Yes, Mother,” Lelouch replied, irritation welling up on his face, causing his nose to wrinkle up in that way Suzaku secretly loved so much. “You don’t need to fret, it’s unnecessary.”

“Oh _let me_ , Lelouch,” she said, words drawn-out, “I’m your mother, after all.”

They were standing in the doorway, the same one they’d walked into a week prior where Suzaku learned that Lelouch had 4 other siblings. It felt like yesterday yet, at the same time, an eternity and a half ago.

Euphemia stood beside Nunnally, hand resting on the handle of her wheelchair, comfortingly.

Clovis had said his goodbyes that morning, drawn out and melodramatic and Schneziel was nowhere to be found (Suzaku had a sneaking suspicion that he and Lelouch had already said their goodbyes, spoken through a particularly special chess game last night— the first one Lelouch had ever won against Schneziel).

“You’ll keep in touch, won’t you?” she asked. Nunnally reached up to hold Euphie’s hand.

“Of course,” she said, before turning to Lelouch. “Won’t we, nii-sama?”

It was a dirty move and Nunnally knew it, cornering Lelouch into saying yes, zeroing in on his most prominent, fatal weakness— a genuine request from his little sister.

Lelouch cleared his throat, balled up fist pressed to his lips. “I’ll be busy,” he said, worming his way out of any binding promises, “but we’ll see.”

“It was so nice to finally meet you, Suzaku,” Marianne said, turning to him. She extended her arms, pulling him into a warm hug. It was stiff and awkward but Suzaku, deep down, really did appreciate it.

It didn’t last long, though, because the sharp clicking of heels on the marble floor, coming down the hallway alerted everyone of Cornelia’s presence.

She leaned on the edge of the staircase’s banister, feigning nonchalance as she crossed her arms, tightly, to her chest. It was almost like a barrier, keeping her at a distance. Protecting her. Had it been a week ago, Suzaku would’ve judged her, thought poorly of her crass and condescending attitude but now he knew. She didn’t want to get too close, allow herself to feel sad. Feel like she was losing Lelouch and Nunnally almost as soon as she got them back.

“So you’re really going home?” Cornelia asked, disapproval leaking through her voice. But she said _home_ , not Japan, but _home_.

“I am,” Lelouch replied, simply.

“ _Hmph_ ,” Cornelia scoffed but her eyelids crinkled at the edges as she was smiled, warmly, and, in that instant, Suzaku knew that she— _all of them_ _—_ would be okay.

They didn’t hug, her and Lelouch, it wasn’t in the nature of their relationship but when Lelouch said “Goodbye, Cornelia-neesama,” Suzaku could tell that she was pleased. She was touched.

“Have a safe trip,” Euphie’s voice was the last they heard, well-wishes from the person who cared the most, as they walked out of the heavy-set front door.

It closed behind them with a resounding _thud_ and Lelouch, who never looked back on anything, gave one last, lingering look behind his shoulder before stepping forward, more conviction written on his face than Suzaku had ever seen.

 _I’m proud of you_.

_I’m proud of us._

The sun was setting, golden light spilling through the tiny airplane window beside Suzaku. They’d be flying all night and Suzaku shuddered at the thought of getting over his jet-lag (it seemed that he _just_ got used to European time, now he had to do it all over again. How was _that_ fair?)

“Hey,” Lelouch nudged him. The burden that had been on him all week ( _longer_ , Suzaku thought, vaguely, _months_. _Years. The burden that had been on him ever since the day he felt betrayed by those closest to him_ ) seemed to be gone, a content half-smile where a frown once was.

“Are you ready to go home?”

Suzaku chuckled.

“What do you mean?” he asked, reaching over to lace their fingers together. He squeezed Lelouch’s palm. “You’re here. I’m already home.”

**Author's Note:**

> (lelouch proposes a week later, at kururugi shrine during new years)
> 
> thank you for reading this behemoth of a fanfiction! i hope you enjoyed!
> 
> come scream at me on tumblr @tetskuroo


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